


What I Should Have Said

by Anonymous



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Mass Effect 2, Other Referenced Characters - Freeform, Pining, Post Horizon, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 02:44:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21292340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Following Horizon, Shepard sends a letter to Kaidan.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard
Kudos: 4
Collections: Anonymous





	What I Should Have Said

Why do the right words never come when their needed? Why do they decide to reveal themselves after the explosive showdown when Kaidan’s walked away and Shepard’s sitting in the shuttle waiting to rejoin the Normandy? He sits there, bouncing in his seat with his mind running over dozens of arguments and pleas that he could have given to the brunet biotic who stood before him looking for a shadow of the man he once knew.

Shepard doesn’t think he gave it to Kaidan. He wishes that he could say that he did, but he knows he’d be lying to himself.

What was he supposed to say? When relief tangled up Shepard’s tongue from the second that Kaidan stepped out and revealed himself? Shepard had thought that the Collectors had run off with him. He’d come here to rescue everyone – _was that really true? _– and he’d been terrified at the thought that Kaidan had been one of the colonists taken up into that ship for who knows what purpose.

Shepard had almost ordered a chase of the damaged Collector ship. He was never more glad to see the other step out even as there was distrust and uncertainty in the others dark eyes.

Kaidan had looked at him like a stranger. Like someone who was just wearing Commander Shepard’s face. The vitriol that he’d thrown at Shepard’s feet had been justified, and yet unavoidable. Shepard feels like Kaidan would have listened, like he would have understood if Shepard had just found the right words…

But he hadn’t.

He’d tried to offer the olive branch. To give Kaidan a chance to come with him, yet the other man refused. As surprised as Shepard is at the answer, he’s also inordinately proud of Kaidan. If there was one thing Shepard could always count on, it was Kaidan doing the right thing and walking away…as much as Shepard might not like to admit it, it was the right thing to do.

Kelly tries to broach the subject of Kaidan when he returns to the Normandy, and she seems to understand that this is a line that Shepard’s not willing to cross with her yet. He likes her, and he trusts her to have the crew’s best interests at heart…but there’s something deeply personal about Kaidan. Something he doesn’t want Kelly and Cerberus to touch.

Joker shows a rare moment of tact when he gets around to the subject himself, and Shepard’s not surprised that he doesn’t feel the same inkling to hide it all away from the pilot. Joker knows. Joker gets it. Joker served with Kaidan. They were co-pilots and friends once upon a time. Joker had told Shepard how after everything fell apart, how Kaidan had kept in touch long after Joker had been grounded, and how Joker regretted falling out of touch with him. ‘Hadn’t wanted to cause a conflict of interests’ Joker had said and Shepard got it.

He was protecting his friend. Kaidan was Alliance, through and through.

Miranda offers to place a few trackers on Kaidan for him. To be sure that the Collectors don’t make a second pull for him, but Shepard turns her down. He doesn’t want Cerberus hounding Kaidan for his sake. Jacob surprisingly talks about his own interactions with Kaidan, back when he was still Alliance. The L2 biotic moving up through the ranks had been a source of inspiration to Jacob considering his own biotic skills. It’s nice to hear that Kaidan’s making waves and inspiring people. He certainly inspired Shepard more times than Shepard thinks he can even begin to try to count.

Garrus laughs with Shepard in the mess hall that night with Chakwas. They tell hilarious stories of Kaidan aboard the Normandy. Small moments of a time when they had a strange family building up around them before the Collectors cut that short. Jack stands in the background with her arms crossed listening to them, disappearing back down into the darkness of the bowls of the ship at some point during a random tale. Shepard’s not sure what she needed, but he figures that he’ll find out sooner or later.

Eventually though, he finds himself laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and the snippets of space that he can see. He can’t find sleep, some strange nagging urge inside of him preventing it. He tries though, no one can say he doesn’t try, before he finally gets up and grabs a datapad.

He knows what he needs to do.

_Hey Kaidan. _

_I’m not sure if I’m still allowed to call you that, or if I should start referring to you as Commander Alenko. Congratulations on the promotion, you earned it. You’re a hell of a soldier Kaidan. I always knew it. _

_I wanted to say that I’m sorry about Horizon. That wasn’t how I wanted that to go down. I should have explained myself better. I should have done something else than just stand there and let you walk away without an explanation. So here it is. Even if it is a little late. _

_I’m back from the dead, Kaidan. I don’t even know how to begin processing that. How do you die for two years and then wake up and get pushed back out into the fight? I don’t know and it’s happening to me right now. Cerberus managed. I’m not sure how they did it, and I’m sure I could ask Miranda but I’m sure she’d make the explanation as confusing as she possibly could so I’m just going to say ‘by some crazy chance it worked’ and here I am. A ghost in a patched-up shell. _

_The last thing I expected was to find out that my reviver was Cerberus of all things, but it was and the one thing they asked as payment was this: to stop the Collectors from abducting more human colonies. _

_How could I say no to that? _

_I went to Anderson, and to the Council. They were willing to reinstate me, to forgive my ‘association’ with Cerberus, but they offered up no solutions. No other choices. This was it. And they knew it too. They’ve already washed their hands of all of this Kaidan, but I can’t. I can honestly say that I was brought back for this, and this is what I’m going to do. If Cerberus is the wind in the sails that’s going to get me there, then that’s the wind I’m going to ride. _

_I’m sorry._

_I meant it when I said that it could be like old times. You joining me aboard the Normandy, but I want to say – I’m relieved that you didn’t agree. And I know that sounds absurd, since I’m the one that offered…but Kaidan…we’re seeing the end coming up quick. I’m trying to convince these people that we’re going to make it, that we’re going to succeed and that we’re going to make it home. _

_But I don’t know if that’s something I can deliver. Or if it’s even remotely possible…_

_And I’m glad that I’m not dragging you along with me into pretty much certain death. Selfish of me, I know, but there it is._

_I hope that we will meet again. Maybe get a chance to clear the air or pick up where we left off. Hell, I’ll even take starting over from scratch. I hope it’s a possibility, but I’ll understand if it’s not. I hope that this isn’t our last communication, but even if it is – I just wanted to be sure that we didn’t leave it hanging on Horizon. _

_I wish you all the best Kaidan. And I hope all plays out well. _

_Shepard_

“EDI.”

_“**Yes Shepard?**_” EDI immediately answers.

“If I asked you to send this email, would you report it to the Illusive Man?” Shepard asks and there’s a pause.

**_“There are background processes that I am allowed to run without divulging all of my actions to the Illusive Man._**_”_ She says after a bit. _“**I cannot promise that he does not check the logs, but I can send it without flagging it if you prefer.**”_

“Please and thank you EDI.” Shepard says as he types in the address he’s never forgotten and he sees the message get taken off and sent.

_“**Is there anything else you’ll be requiring Shepard?**”_

“No. Thank you again EDI. Goodnight.”

_“**Goodnight Shepard.**”_

Shepard lays back down, and this time, sleep comes to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and kudo!


End file.
